Just some (IMHO) funny titbits...

[[Today's Joke]] [[Worker Ant's Story]] [[Pics]] [[Mensa]] [[Talking Parrot]] [[Swearing Parrot]] [[10 Reasons]] [[Vitamins]] [[Biology]] [[Question]] [[Attention Red-heads]] [[Mind Your Business]] [[Economics]] [[Women]] [[eBay]] [[Brain Exercise]] [[Papa John's]] [[BigMac]] [[Cup]] [[Rednecks]] [[Winning]]


Today's Joke

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Worker Ant's Story

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Pics

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Mensa

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Mensa Invitational contest results

There's a bit of a mystery attached to this post. I received it in an email from a colleague, labeled "Ottawa Citizen Mensa Invitational". In fact, it doesn't appear to originate with the Ottawa Citizen, but it's still entertaining.

It's a word game. The rules are: take any word from the dictionary; alter it by adding, subtracting, or changing one letter; and supply a new definition.

For example, graffiti becomes giraffiti: Vandalism spray-painted very, very high.

My favourites:
Beelzebug (n.): Satan in the form of a mosquito, that gets into your bedroom at three in the morning and cannot be cast out.
Cashtration (n.): The act of buying a house, which renders the subject financially impotent for an indefinite period of time.
Decafalon (n.): The grueling event of getting through the day consuming only things that are good for you.
Dopeler effect: The tendency of stupid ideas to seem smarter when they come at you rapidly.
Foreploy: Any misrepresentation about yourself for the purpose of getting laid.
Glibido: All talk and no action.
Ignoranus: A person who's both stupid and an asshole.
Reintarnation: Coming back to life as a hillbilly.
Sarchasm: The gulf between the author of sarcastic wit and the person who doesn't get it.
Karmageddon: It's when everybody is sending off all these really bad vibes, and then the Earth explodes, and it's a serious bummer.
Epigramp: A maxim that brands the speaker as an old codger: "If God had wanted women to wear pants..."
Eruditz: A philosophy professor who can't figure out how to work the copying machine. (Perhaps that should be, theology professor)
FAQu: The response to frequently asked stupid questions.
Flimflame: To commit arson for the insurance money.
Hasta la visa, baby: Gov. Schwarzenegger's immigration reform slogan.
Hiltoon: A girl who has become a caricature of herself.
Randiose: Given to excessive embellishment of one's sexual appetite and conquests.
Testiculate: To conspicuously readjust one's package.
Whomicide: Murdering the King's English.
Fiefdome: A state capitol building.
Fistipuffs: Very minor squabbling.
Flabboyant: Proudly displaying one's girth. "In his Chippendales skit on 'SNL,' Chris Farley was amazingly flabboyant."
Fatulence: That squishing noise of thighs rubbing together.
Flimflame: To commit arson for the insurance money.
Loozies: All those women who hang on Style Invitational contestants.
Foaly: A elderly horse who likes to bother young colts.
Foresking: The best mohel in town.
Fortissimoo: More, more, more cowbell!
Farternity: An old boys' club.
Forget-me-note: A Dear John letter.
Faux pAl - When your Inker-winning gag about "Gandhi II" turns out to have already been used by some guy named Yankovic.


Talking Parrot

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A man is browsing in a pet shop and sees a parrot sitting on a little perch. It doesn't have any feet or legs. The guy says loud, "I wonder what happened to this parrot?"

The parrot says, "I was born this way. I'm a defective parrot."

"Holy crap," the guy replies. "You actually understood and answered me!"

"I got every word," says the parrot. "I happen to be a highly intelligent, thoroughly educated bird."

"Oh yeah?" the guy asks, "Then answer this: How do you hang onto your perch without any feet?"

"Well," the parrot says, "this is very embarrassing but since you asked, I wrap my willie around this wooden bar like a little hook. You can't see it because of my feathers."

"Wow," says the guy. "You really can understand and speak English, can't you?"

"Actually, I speak both Spanish and English and I can converse with reasonable competence on almost any topic: politics, religion, sports, physics, philosophy. I'm especially good at ornithology. You really ought to buy me. I'd be a great companion."

The guy looks at the £200 price tag. "Sorry, but I just can't afford that."

"Pssst" says the parrot, "I'm defective, so the truth is, nobody wants me 'cause I don't have any feet. You can probably get me for £20. Just make the guy an offer!"

The guy offers £20 and walks out with the parrot. Weeks go by. The parrot is sensational. He has a great sense of humor, he's interesting, he's a pal, he understands everything, he sympathises, and he's insightful. The guy is delighted.

One day he comes home from work and the parrot goes "Psssst," and motions him over with one wing. "I don't know if I should tell you this or not, but it's about your wife and the postman."

"What are you talking about?" asks the guy.

"When the postman delivered mail today, your wife greeted him at the door in a sheer black nightie and kissed him passionately."

"What???" the guy asks incredulously. "Then what happened?"

"Well, then the postman came into the house and lifted up her nightie and began kissing her all over," reported the parrot.

"My God!" he exclaims. "Then what?"

"Then he lifted up her nightie, got down on his knees and began to kiss her all over, starting with her breasts and slowly going down..."

"Well???" demands the frantic guy. "Then what happened!?!"

"Damned if I know, I got a hard-on and fell off my perch.


Swearing Parrot

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Have you heard about the man who owned a parrot that swore like a sailor? This parrot was so terrible, it could swear for five minutes straight without repeating itself. One day the man finally got tired of this parrot's horrible speech, and decided to do something about it.

He grabbed the parrot by the throat, shaked it really hard, and yelled, "QUIT IT!" every time the parrot said something ungodly. But this just made the parrot mad, and it swore more than ever.

Next the man tried locking the bird in a kitchen cabinet. This really aggravated the parrot, and it clawed and scratched furiously until the man finally let him out (upon which the bird released it's fury in a torrent of language so horrible it could never be repeated).

At that point, the man was so frustrated that he threw the parrot into the freezer. For the first few seconds the parrot made a terrible amount of noise in protest to this treatment, kicking, clawing, and thrashing about. But after a few moments it suddenly went very quiet.

As the silence grew longer the man started to think that the parrot may be hurt. After a couple minutes of silence, he became so worried that he opened up the freezer door. The parrot calmly climbed onto the man's outstretched arm and said, "Awfully sorry about the trouble I gave you. I'll do my best to improve my vocabulary from now on."

Of course, the man was astounded. He could not understand the transformation that had come over his unruly parrot. Then the parrot asked, "By the way, what did the chicken do?"


Top 10 reasons why bikers don't wave...

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I have noticed that since the better weather is here, the number of bikers who acknowledge you or wave back seem to get fewer and it got me wondering why? I thought it was because only the hardest most serious bikers ride all year round, those who really appreciate what you go through to get your trusty stead from A to B....

But no, it seems the answers lie in one of the following...


Top Ten Reasons Why Harley Riders Don't Wave Back

10. Afraid it will invalidate warranty
9. Leather and studs make it too heavy to raise arm
8. Refuse to wave to anyone whose bike is already paid for
7. Afraid to let go of handlebars because they might vibrate off
6. Rushing wind would blow scabs off the new tattoos
5. Angry because just took out second mortgage to pay luxury tax on new Harley
4. Just discovered the fine print in owner's manual and realized H-D is partially owned by Honda
3. Can't tell if other riders are waving or just reaching to cover their ears like everyone else
2. Remembers the last time a Harley rider waved back, he impaled his hand on spiked helmet
1. They're too tired from spending hours polishing all that chrome to lift their arms.


Top Ten Reasons Why Gold Wing Riders Don't Wave Back

10. Wasn't sure whether other rider was waving or making an obscene gesture
9. Afraid might get frostbite if hand is removed from heated grip
8. Has arthritis and the past 400 miles have made it difficult to raise arm
7. Reflection from etched windshield momentarily blinded him
6. The espresso machine just finished
5. Was actually asleep when other rider waved
4. Was in a three-way conference call with stockbroker and accessories dealer
3. Was distracted by odd shaped blip on radar screen
2. Was simultaneously adjusting the air suspension, seat height, programmable CD player, seat temperature, and
satellite
navigation system
1. Couldn't find the "auto wave back" button on dashboard


Top Ten Reasons Why Sportsbike Riders Don't Wave Back

10. They have not been riding long enough to know they're supposed to
9. They're going too fast to have time enough to register the movement and respond
8. You weren't wearing bright enough gear
7. If they stick their arm out going that fast they'll rip it out of the socket
6. They're too occupied with trying to get rid of their chicken strips
5. They look way too cool with both hands on the bars or they don't want to unbalance themselves while standing on the tank
4. Their skin tight-Kevlar-ballistic-nylon-kangaroo-leather suits prevent any position other than foetal
3. Raising an arm allows bugs into the armholes of their tank tops
2. It's too hard to do one-handed stoppies
1. They were too busy slipping their flip-flop back on


Top Ten Reasons Why BMW Riders Don't Wave Back

10. New Aerostich suit too stiff to raise arm
9. Removing a hand from the bars is considered "bad form.
8. Your bike isn't weird enough looking to justify acknowledgement.
7. Too sore from an 800-mile day on a stock "comfort" seat.
6. Too busy programming the GPS, monitoring radar, listening to iPod, XM, and talking on the cell phone.
5. He's an Iron Butt rider and you're not!
4. Wire from Gerbings is too short.
3. You're not riding the "right kind" of BMW.
2. You haven't been properly introduced.
1. Afraid it will be misinterpreted as a friendly gesture.


Top Ten Reasons Why Dual Purpose Riders Don't Wave Back

10. Off road elbow guards, chest protector, fanny pack, drink system binds them up.
9. Bark busters and gummy grips slows the hand from raising quickly.
7. Just can't take time out from doing that 10 mile wheelie through traffic.
9. He's passing street bikes off road on the right @ 60mph through the trees & rocks.
6. Too busy checking his enduro roll chart doing mental time/mile maths so he won't blow the next check point.
5. Can't see other bikers through his 20 layers of tear off's.
4. The dude only recognizes Hondas with every after market race part known to man.
3. His killer 2 inch tall knobblies vibrate so bad vision his obscured.
2. The chin guard on his full face helmet sticks out so much it blocks his view.
1. He's got his Mauna Kea 200 race face on and can't be bothered.


Top Ten Reasons Why Moped & Rukcus Riders Don't Wave Back

10. Scared ****less to remove a hand from the bars.
9.Never rode this fast on a two wheel anything before.
8. Full focus three inches from front tyre.
7. Freaked out on the extreme right side of the road dodging broken beer bottles and car accident trash.
6. Don't want to lose their groceries in plastic bags hanging from the bar's.
5. Won't deter from the full attention military riding position.
4. Their mother & grandmother told them it was very, very dangerous.
3. Thinks it's a hoodlum stunt riding.
2. Don't want to chance getting a reckless driving ticket.
1. 25 mph is too damn fast to try something stupid like that.


Vitamins

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Didn't know it was good for that.....why wasn't I told?????


Advanced Biology Class

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Students in an advanced Biology class were taking their mid-term test. The last question was, 'Name seven advantages of Mother's Milk,' worth 70 points or none at all.

One student, in particular, was hard put to think of seven advantages. He wrote:
1.) It is perfect formula for the child.
2.) It provides immunity against several diseases.
3.) It is always the right temperature.
4.) It is inexpensive.
5.) It bonds the child to mother, and vice versa.
6.) It is always available as needed.

And then, the student was stuck. Finally, in desperation, just before the bell rang indicating the end of the test, he wrote..

7.) It comes in 2 attractive reusable containers.


He got an A+


How do you tell the difference between a British police officer an Australian police officer and an American police officer?

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Answer: Pose the following question:

You're walking down a deserted street with your wife and two small children. Suddenly, a dangerous looking man with a huge knife comes around the corner, locks eyes with you, screams obscenities, raises the knife, and charges.

You are carrying a Glock .40, and you are an expert shot. You have mere seconds before he reaches you and your family.

What do you do?


UK POLICE OFFICER'S Answer :

Well, that's not enough information to answer the question! Does the man look poor or oppressed? Have I ever done anything to him that would inspire him to attack? Could we run away? What does my wife think? What about the kids? Could I possibly swing the gun like a club and knock the knife out of his hand? What does the law say about this situation? Does the Glock have appropriate safety built into it? Why am I carrying a loaded gun anyway, and what kind of message does this send to society and to my children?

Is it possible he'd be happy with just killing me? Does he definitely want to kill me, or would he be content just to wound me? If I were to grab his knees and hold on, could my family get away while he was stabbing me? Should I call 999?

Why is this street so deserted? We need to raise taxes, have a paint and weed day and make this a happier, healthier street that would discourage such behaviour.

If I raise my gun and he turns and runs away, do I get blamed when he falls over running away, knocks his head and kills himself? If I shoot him, and lose the court case does he have the opportunity to sue me, cost me my job, my credibility and I will lose my family home?


AUSTRALIAN OFFICER'S Answer:

BANG!


AMERICAN OFFICER'S Answer:

BANG! BANG! BANG! BANG! BANG! BANG! BANG! BANG! BANG! BANG! BANG! Click...

*(Sounds of reloading)*

BANG! BANG! BANG! BANG! BANG! BANG! BANG! BANG! BANG! BANG! BANG! Click.

Daughter: "Nice grouping, Dad! Were those the Winchester Silver Tips..?"


Attention Red-heads

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Ladies who have ginger hair shouldn't have a brazilian...

It will make your fanny look like it has got a fish finger...


Mind Your Own Business

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I was walking past the mental hospital the other day, and all the patients were shouting, "13....13....13..."

The fence was too high to see over, but I saw a little gap in the planks, so I looked through to see what was going on.....

Some bastard poked me in the eye with a stick!

Then they all started shouting "14....14....14..."


Cow Based Economics Lesson...

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SOCIALISM
You have 2 cows.
You give one to your neighbour.

COMMUNISM
You have 2 cows.
The State takes both and gives you some milk.

FASCISM
You have 2 cows.
The State takes both and sells you some milk.

NAZISM
You have 2 cows.
The State takes both and shoots you.

BUREAUCRATISM
You have 2 cows.
The State takes both, shoots one, milks the other, and then throws the milk away.

TRADITIONAL CAPITALISM
You have two cows.
You sell one and buy a bull.
Your herd multiplies, and the economy grows.
You sell them and retire on the income.

ROYAL BANK OF SCOTLAND (VENTURE) CAPITALISM
You have two cows.
You sell three of them to your publicly listed company, using letters of credit opened by your brother-in-law at the bank, then execute a debt/equity swap with an associated general offer so that you get all four cows back, with a tax exemption for five cows.
The milk rights of the six cows are transferred via an intermediary to a Cayman Island Company secretly owned by the majority shareholder who sells the rights to all seven cows back to your listed company.
The annual report says the company owns eight cows, with an option on one more.
You sell one cow to buy a new president of the United States , leaving you with nine cows.
No balance sheet provided with the release.
The public then buys your bull.

SURREALISM
You have two giraffes.
The government requires you to take harmonica lessons.

AN AMERICAN CORPORATION
You have two cows.
You sell one, and force the other to produce the milk of four cows.
Later, you hire a consultant to analyse why the cow has dropped dead.

A FRENCH CORPORATION
You have two cows.
You go on strike, organise a riot, and block the roads, because you want three cows.

A JAPANESE CORPORATION
You have two cows.
You redesign them so they are one-tenth the size of an ordinary cow and produce twenty times the milk.
You then create a clever cow cartoon image called a Cowkimona and market it worldwide.

AN ITALIAN CORPORATION
You have two cows, but you don't know where they are.
You decide to have lunch.

A SWISS CORPORATION
You have 5000 cows. None of them belong to you.
You charge the owners for storing them.

A CHINESE CORPORATION
You have two cows.
You have 300 people milking them.
You claim that you have full employment, and high bovine productivity.
You arrest the newsman who reported the real situation.

AN INDIAN CORPORATION
You have two cows.
You worship them.

A BRITISH CORPORATION
You have two cows.
Both are mad.

AN IRAQI CORPORATION
Everyone thinks you have lots of cows.
You tell them that you have none.
No-one believes you, so they bomb the **** out of you and invade your country.
You still have no cows, but at least you are now a Democracy.

AN AUSTRALIAN CORPORATION
You have two cows.
Business seems pretty good.
You close the office and go for a few beers to celebrate.

A NEW ZEALAND CORPORATION
You have two cows.
The one on the left looks very attractive.


Types Of Women...

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Hard Disk Women:
She remember Everything, FOREVER

Ram Women:
She forgets about you, the moment you turn her off.

Windows Women:
Everyone knows that she can't do a thing right, but no one can live without her.

Excel Women:
She can do lot of things, but you mostly use her for your basic needs.

ScreenSaver Women:
She is good for nothing but at least she is fun.

Internet Women:
Difficult to access.

Server Women:
Always Busy When you need her.

Multimedia women:
She makes horrible things looks beautiful.

CDROM Women:
She is always faster and faster.

E-mail Women:
For every ten things she says, eight are nonsense.

Virus Women:
Also known as WIFE. When you are not expecting her, she comes install herself and uses all your resources. If you try to uninstall her, you will lose something. If you don't try to uninstall her, you will lose everything.


eBay

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Brain Exercise...

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Exercise of the brain is as important as exercise of the muscles. As we grow older, it's important that we keep mentally alert. The saying: "If you don't use it, you will lose it" also applies to the brain.

Below is a very private way to gauge your loss or non-loss of intelligence. So take the following test presented here and determine if you are losing it or are still a MENSA candidate. OK, relax, clear your mind and . . . begin.

1. What do you put in a toaster?

The answer is bread. If you said "toast", then give up now and go do something else. Try not to hurt yourself. If you said, "bread", go to question 2.


2. Say "silk" five times. Now spell "silk". What do cows drink?

Answer: Cows drink water. If you said "milk", please do not attempt the next question. Your brain is obviously overstressed and may even overheat. It may be that you need to content yourself with reading something more appropriate such as "Children's World". If you said, "water" then proceed to question three.


3. If a red house is made from red bricks and a blue house is made from blue bricks and a pink house is made from pink bricks and a black house is made from black bricks, what is a greenhouse made from?

Answer: Greenhouses are made from glass. If you said "green bricks", what the heck are you still doing here reading these questions? If you said "glass", then go on to question four.


4. Twenty years ago, a plane is flying at 20,000 feet over Germany. If you will recall, Germany at the time was politically divided into West Germany and East Germany. Anyway, during the flight, TWO of the engines fail. The pilot, realizing that the last remaining engine is also failing, decides on a crash landing procedure. Unfortunately the engine fails before he has time and the plane crashes smack in the middle of "no man's land" between East Germany and West Germany. Where would you bury the survivors - East Germany or West Germany or in "no man's land"?

Answer: You don't, of course, bury survivors. If you said ANYTHING else, you are a real dunce and you must NEVER try to rescue anyone from a plane crash. Your efforts would not be appreciated. If you said, "Don't bury the survivors" then proceed to the next question.


5. If the hour hand on a clock moves 1/60th of a degree every minute then how many degrees will the hour hand move in one hour?

Answer: One degree. If you said "360 degrees" or anything other than "one degree", you are to be congratulated on getting this far, but you are obviously out of your league. Turn your pencil in and exit the room. Everyone else proceed to the final question.


6. Without using a calculator - You are driving a bus from London to Milford Haven in Wales. In London, 17 people get on the bus. In Reading, six people get off the bus and nine people get on. In Swindon, two people get off and four get on. In Cardiff, 11 people get off and 16 people get on. In Swansea, three people get off and five people get on. In Carmathen, six people get off and three get on. You then arrive at Milford Haven. What was the name of the bus driver?

Answer: Oh, for goodness sake! It was YOU, Read the first line!!!


Papa John's...

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BigMac

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Cup

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Who Said Rednecks weren't Innovative..?

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Be sure to look at all the pictures!

Just in case you are thinking about or looking for a new home.

The fastest and most inexpensive way to build a house!








Winning

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